New Jersey Devils GM Lou Lamoriello is in talks to extend his contract with Satan, the dark prince of the underworld, in hopes to continue the Devils’ winning ways for the next 10 seasons.
“I have to admit that I’ve been trying to avoid this day,” Lamoriello said outside Satan’s office in Orlando, Florida. “But the truth is, there’s no way we can win without His help. He’s responsible for all our Cups. And with Marty (Brodeur) being our starter for the next two seasons, we’re gonna need some of that good ol’ black magic.”
Lamoriello said that his contract with Satan was an 18-year deal signed prior to the 1993-1994 season. The contract stipulated that in exchange for a minimum of three Stanley Cup championships and a perpetually competitive team despite large amounts of talent, Lamoriello would hand over his soul and the souls of his wife and kids. The contract expired days before the 2010-2011 season, a year in which the Devils barely missed the playoffs.
“I definitely screwed with their heads a little bit on that one,” Satan told reporters. “Lou told me prior to the season that he didn’t want to extend, so I went ahead and had the team suck balls for the first few months. But Lou was tough and didn’t want to budge, so I got clever and had them put together amazing win streak and get oh-so close to making the playoffs…and then BOOM! They miss it. I thought Lou would realize who’s in charge then, but I was wrong.”
According to Satan, he and Lamoriello had a tumultuous summer of negotiations last year that eventually came to naught.
“Lou really thought he would be able to win through mere good coaching and hard work or whatever,” Satan said, laughing. “So I said, ‘OK. Let’s see, tough guy.’”
Satan’s tactic was to let the Devils be a mildly competitive team, but put together a great playoff run. “And you all saw what happened,” Satan said. “They were down 3 games to none against the Kings, won a couple and thought they could make a comeback, and then BOOM! They lose.”
Satan added: “And guess who did have a contract with me? That’s right, 8th seeds don’t have playoff performances like that without a little help from yours truly.”
Lamoriello said that the finals experience taught him a lesson: don’t mess with Satan.
“It’s true – we couldn’t have done it without him,” Lamoriello said. “I guess my grandchildren will have to do without their souls.”
As Lamoriello fell into a deep depression, Satan patted him on the back. “Don’t worry,” he told the future hall of famer GM. “You’re not the only one. [Red Wings owner] Mike Ilitich’s contract is up, too.”