Women all over Canada have expressed concern that the quality of their sex lives may decrease due to the NHL lockout coming to an end.
“Hockey season is usually a hard time for me, and I don’t mean that in a good way,” said Donna Carpenter, 34, from Winnipeg. “My husband never wants to have sex between the hours of 7:30 pm and 10:00 pm, and after the game is over, he’s usually too drunk to do anything.”
However, the lockout has afforded the Carpenters a chance to rekindle the romance.
“Well, there hasn’t been anything else to do,” said Donna’s husband, Harold.
But now that hockey season is starting, Harold has already lost interest.
“There’s just way too much to do. I really have to get my fantasy team together and since it’s a half season, I have to do entirely different calculations,” Harold said.
The Carpenters are not alone. Millions of wives across Canada have called friends, marriage counselors, and even police to complain about their husband’s sudden lack of interest in sex.
“As a Leafs fan, I would hope that my wife understands that it’s impossible for me to have sex during hockey season because of the severe depression that sets in once the Leafs start playing,” said Fred Burr, a husband from St. Catherine’s, Ontario.
“Fred’s wife, Janet, sighed and rolled her eyes.
In Montreal, wives of Habs fans have already begun to plan holidays with their friends to Kenya.
“She goes every year,” said Francois Richard, referring to his wife, Amelie. “I don’t know what she does over there, but she sure likes it.”
“I have fun,” she said, winking.
But in Vancouver, wives are finding it difficult to cope. With the uncertainty surrounding the Canucks’ upcoming season, including the status of star netminder Roberto Luongo, not only will their sex lives decrease, but there’s the possibility that Canucks fans stage a mass suicide if their team continues to make life miserable for their beleaguered fans.
Some have even worried that fans would riot if they experience another difficult season.
But with the combination of having pouting husbands who don’t put out, Vancouver wives have said they might be the ones who riot.