After months of waiting, hockey finally came back. It was a day millions of hockey fans were waiting eagerly for – a beginning to hockey and an end to getting screwed by billionaire owners and millionaire players.
“Not so fast,” said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman. “We’re not done yet!”
Thousands of hockey fans spent $50 for NHL GameCenter Live – an online program that allows fans to watch out-of-market games on their computer, but weren’t able to watch it because the NHL decided to block out games to US subscribers.
“We’re humongous, gaping assholes,” Bettman said of himself and the league. “We’re just sick, sadistic, pieces of shit. So we charged all of these people $50 – and then we blocked out all of the games so they won’t be able to watch and instead will just be refreshing their computer screens for hours hoping they’ll be able to see a game.”
Bettman laughed maniacally for several minutes before adding: “But we have the greatest fans in the world.”
In addition to blocking out the games, Bettman said that a phone number for customer service has been deliberately disconnected and a “live chat” help service has been shut off.
“Well, what do you expect us to do? Actually listen to people complain? We don’t have time for that because we have all these $50 transactions to process,” Bettman said.
There is no word on when, if ever, NHL GameCenter Live will be back on or if the NHL will ever get its shit together.