Sabres GM Darcy Regier Says the Entire Sabres Season Has Been Merely an April Fool’s Joke

“You didn’t think this team was for real, did you?” Regier said, laughing. “Come on, you guys should know better than that! These are professional hockey players. There’s no way an NHL team could be this poorly managed, play with this little heart, and be this much of an embarrassment to the sport.”

When asked if the constant whining from goaltender Ryan Miller during post-game interviews was part of the spectacular ruse, Regier said no.

“Unfortunately, that part was real,” Regier said.

NHL says Columbus Blue Jackets Not Really in 8th Place

In a statement from Commissioner Gary Bettman, it was revealed that the Columbus Blue Jackets are not really in 8th place.

“Contrary to what the standings show today, the Columbus Blue Jackets are not in eight place in the Western Conference,” the statement said. “This has been an April Fool’s joke on Rick Nash orchestrated by several teams around the league. And it will get even funnier when the Blue Jackets make the playoffs and the Rangers don’t. Whoops – did I give the joke away? I’m sorry.”

Luongo Still Not Traded

“Yeah, that’s a joke,” said Canucks GM Mike Gillis. “But no, we really still haven’t traded him. Unfortunately, his contract isn’t a joke.”

Chris Kunitz not third place in scoring

“It’s been really fun watching him think he’s third in the scoring list,” Penguins captain Sidney Crosby said. “He’s been walking around all confident and stuff. It’s really cute.”

In a surprise leading up to the NHL trading deadline, the Pittsburgh Penguins have acquired rugged future Hall of Famer Jerome Iginla from the Calgary Flames.

“I got Iginla because screw everybody, I’m the fricking man,” said Penguins GM Ray Shero. “There are GM’s and then there are BAD mother-whooping GM’s and guess which one I am – that’s right. I’m a bad mother-whooping GM.”

The move comes days after the Penguins acquired longtime Stars winger Brendan Morrow.

“You all thought I was done when I made that move, huh?” Shero said. “But I wasn’t done. I caught y’all slippin’. Now here I am with the one player everybody wants. Why? Because I’m Ray mother-spanking Shero.”

Shero added that although the price for Iginla was high, it was worth it because in addition to the all-star winger, he also acquired a large box of tissues.

“And I’m gonna send that box of tissues over to [Bruins GM] Peter Chiarelli so he can wipe the tears from his eyes,” Shero said.

The addition of two highly-skilled, rugged, and experienced wingers adds an incredible amount of depth to a team that has already shown to be a formidable force all season long.

But with Morrow and now Iginla, there is additional pressure on the Penguins to not just go deep in the playoffs, but win the Cup. Anything less will mean the loss of several picks and prospects for what amounted to two very expensive rental players whose contracts are up after this season.

Nonetheless, Shero is confident his team will go the distance.

“Have you seen the Eastern Conference?” Shero said. “There’s us, Boston, and that team that pretends they can hang with the big boys up in Montreal. I ain’t worried about them and I’m sure Boston will be too busy hating on us because we got Morrow and Iginla. So I’m not worried.”

“This season doesn’t even really count,” Regier said.

It’s been a rough season for the Buffalo Sabres, who have been near the bottom of the standings all year and are in serious danger of finishing last place overall for the first time in team history.

But GM Darcy Regier says he has a plan to calm fans’ concerns that this will be the worst season Buffalo Sabres season on record.

“What I say to fans is this,” Regier said. “Hey, at least it’s a short season. I mean, you could have had to deal with 82 games of this crap. But it’s only 40-something. And it’s almost over. So what’s the problem?”

Regier also said that because the season is only 48 games this year, it’s not as important as a full season.

“I mean, c’mon – this season doesn’t count. It’s like a pretend season when you think about,” Regier said.

The long-time Sabres GM said fans should be patient and wait for next season.

“Next season is gonna be great,’ Regier said. “We’re gonna have Leino for a full season. I mean, hey, that should put us over the top. And if I extend Stafford for a few more years, look out!”

Public erections in Chicago have become a common sighting because of the Chicago Blackhawks.

Not only has the Chicago Blackhawks’ streak been so good that even ESPN is talking about hockey, but the team’s fans have also been unable to get rid of long-lasting erections.

“I’ve been hard since that 3-0 win against Nashville back in February,” said Blackhawks fan, George Baczowski, 36. And just like the Blackhawks, it can’t be beat, if you know what I mean.”

Baczowski is not alone. In fact, emergency rooms and urologists around the Chicagoland area have complained of getting calls all day, every day from concerned patients worried about their erected penis – but who turn out to just be excited Blackhawks fans.

“Every day we get 40 or 50 guys coming in wondering why their junk won’t go down,” said Wanda Ramirez, the emergency room receptionist at Stroger Hospital in Chicago. “And since they’re always white, I just assume they’re a Blackhawks fan.”

“My job is hard enough,” said urologist Steve Wintzell. “But try checking the urethra of a guy who has a full hard-on because Bryan Bickell had a two-goal game against the Wild.”

Blackhawks winger Bryan Bickell has caused several erections.

The erection epidemic has caused a wide array of problems, including sexual harassment claims.

Vanessa Mitchell, a waitress at the Globe Pub, says she had to quit her job because of the constant erections.

“Every time I’d try to serve somebody a beer, I’d have to dodge five or six different boners,” she said. “The only time I could get any work done was when soccer was on and people just sit around pretending to like

CTA president, Forrest Claypool

it.”

There have also been reports of problems aboard public transportation.

“Don’t ride the Blue Line after a Blackhawks game,” warns Chicago Transit Authority president, Forrest Claypool. “It’s just hundreds of guys in Blackhawks jerseys with rock-hard stiffies crammed into a tight space. And even if that’s your thing, it gets a little crazy. Trust me.”

Doctors have been searching for a cure. But so far,hey are puzzled. Some fans, however, have claimed they found a temporary cure.

“I was hard since the 6-game winning streak at the beginning of the season,” said Blackhawks fan Matt Jenkins, 27. “But then I turned on a Buffalo Sabres game the other day and BAM – boner was gone.”

“Fire me? LOL!” Regier said.

After a horrid start to the season, the Buffalo Sabres have been looked at as a team that will make changes, either through a trade or a new coach.

But Sabres General Manager put those rumors to rest during a press conference Tuesday after he told reporters that no changes will be made because he doesn’t feel like doing anything and doesn’t have to worry about losing his job ever.

“Look, I’m a busy guy,’ Regier said. “I have golf. I’m working on losing a few pounds. And I have this book club I’m really involved in – we’re reading 50 Shades of Grey right now, which is just terrific, by the way. So I don’t have time to ask other GM’s about trades or whatever.”

When The Real Hockey News asked Regier if he was worried about losing his job due to inaction, he dismissed the possibility.

“Man, I can’t get fired. Don’t you think I would have been fired by now if that was even possible?” Regier said. “Besides, who’s gonna fire me? Pegula? Puh-lease. I have dirt on him over all that fracking in Pennsylvania. How you think he got so rich? And don’t think Bettman will try to come in and make some rule that could get rid of me. I have pictures of him getting really into leather, if you know what I mean.”

Regier also dismissed the possibility of replacing long-time head coach Lindy Ruff.

“Ruff stays because I like him,” Regier said. “He wears nice ties. He calls me ‘sir.’ And the man gives an excellent foot massage. Ruff ain’t going nowhere.”

As for ideas on how to improve the Sabres record, Regier said he had none.

“Why you asking me? I’m Darcy fricking Regier!” he said.

“Hey, got $50?” Bettman said.

After months of waiting, hockey finally came back. It was a day millions of hockey fans were waiting eagerly for – a beginning to hockey and an end to getting screwed by billionaire owners and millionaire players.

“Not so fast,” said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman. “We’re not done yet!”

Thousands of hockey fans spent $50 for NHL GameCenter Live – an online program that allows fans to watch out-of-market games on their computer, but weren’t able to watch it because the NHL decided to block out games to US subscribers.

“We’re humongous, gaping assholes,” Bettman said of himself and the league. “We’re just sick, sadistic, pieces of shit. So we charged all of these people $50 – and then we blocked out all of the games so they won’t be able to watch and instead will just be refreshing their computer screens for hours hoping they’ll be able to see a game.”

Bettman laughed maniacally for several minutes before adding: “But we have the greatest fans in the world.”

In addition to blocking out the games, Bettman said that a phone number for customer service has been deliberately disconnected and a “live chat” help service has been shut off.

“Well, what do you expect us to do? Actually listen to people complain? We don’t have time for that because we have all these $50 transactions to process,” Bettman said.

There is no word on when, if ever, NHL GameCenter Live will be back on or if the NHL will ever get its shit together.

“I’d like Russians more if I didn’t have to smell them,” Cherry tweeted while waiting in line at a grocery store.

Canada’s top iconoclast and CBC commentator, Don Cherry, has begun to live-tweet his personal thoughts about how much he hates Russians.

With the use of a special device hooked up to Cherry’s brain that transcribes his personal thoughts to Twitter, people will be able to read Cherry’s anti-Russian sentiment in real time.

“It’s really a great opportunity to get inside one of the greatest hockey minds,” said Cherry. “People should be glad they can witness such a great damn thing.”

The event began to unfold on Tuesday when Cherry woke up with the device already attached.

The first tweet was sent out at 6:03 am and read: “Thank God I’m not in Russia, those damn visor-wearing fairies.”

At 6:37 am, while Cherry sat on his porch drinking coffee, a tweet was sent that said: “I hope Samsonov is getting hit by a bus right now.”

In the shower at 7:03 am, Cherry thought: “Stupid Russians don’t hit because they don’t bathe! Too embarrassed to get too close because of their stink!”

While putting on socks at 7:11 am: “People think I hate Russians. Not true. I just wish they were Canadian.”

Although the majority of Cherry’s tweets had to do with Russians, he also waxed philosophically about other topics, like the honesty and goodwill of Canadians.

While driving to a lunch meeting with CBC executives at 11:59 am: “Despite the French, the people of Canada are an example of human perfection and goodness.”

While eating soup at 12:45 pm: “A little-known fact is that when a Canadian farmboy sweats, his sweat has a lemon-fresh scent.”

Nonetheless, the majority of his tweets were about Russians.

While on the toilet at 1:29 pm: “FUCK YOU KOVALCHUK!”

Women all over Canada have expressed concern that the quality of their sex lives may decrease due to the NHL lockout coming to an end.

“Hockey season is usually a hard time for me, and I don’t mean that in a good way,” said Donna Carpenter, 34, from Winnipeg. “My husband never wants to have sex between the hours of 7:30 pm and 10:00 pm, and after the game is over, he’s usually too drunk to do anything.”

However, the lockout has afforded the Carpenters a chance to rekindle the romance.

“Well, there hasn’t been anything else to do,” said Donna’s husband, Harold.

But now that hockey season is starting, Harold has already lost interest.

“There’s just way too much to do. I really have to get my fantasy team together and since it’s a half season, I have to do entirely different calculations,” Harold said.

The Carpenters are not alone. Millions of wives across Canada have called friends, marriage counselors, and even police to complain about their husband’s sudden lack of interest in sex.

“As a Leafs fan, I would hope that my wife understands that it’s impossible for me to have sex during hockey season because of the severe depression that sets in once the Leafs start playing,” said Fred Burr, a husband from St. Catherine’s, Ontario.

“Fred’s wife, Janet, sighed and rolled her eyes.

In Montreal, wives of Habs fans have already begun to plan holidays with their friends to Kenya.

“She goes every year,” said Francois Richard, referring to his wife, Amelie. “I don’t know what she does over there, but she sure likes it.”

“I have fun,” she said, winking.

But in Vancouver, wives are finding it difficult to cope. With the uncertainty surrounding the Canucks’ upcoming season, including the status of star netminder Roberto Luongo, not only will their sex lives decrease, but there’s the possibility that Canucks fans stage a mass suicide if their team continues to make life miserable for their beleaguered fans.

Some have even worried that fans would riot if they experience another difficult season.

But with the combination of having pouting husbands who don’t put out, Vancouver wives have said they might be the ones who riot.

“It’s over already?” Kane said.

Not every NHL player is getting ready for the lockout-shortened season to start. In fact, some players are just now finding out.

“What? Already?” said Chicago Blackhawks star forward Patrick Kane when informed of the new agreement between the NHL and NHLPA.

“They didn’t waste any time, did they?”

Kane has spent the past four months training in Cancun, the spring break hot spot on Mexico’s Atlantic Coast. Most of that time has been spent in Señor Frog’s, a popular spring breaker bar.

While that might seem like an unorthodox place for a professional hockey player to stay in game-shape, Kane begged to differ.

“It’s fun as hell here, man,” he said. “Where do you expect me to go? Switzerland? For what? Cheese!?”

Kane proceeded to laugh for several minutes at his own joke before continuing.

“But seriously, bro – I’m not down with Europe or the AHL. I don’t want to take a job away from some dude trying to make it, know what I mean?”

Kane explained that, for a professional hockey player, it would be a more ethical decision to hang out in Cancun than taking spots away from other players.

“It’s kind of a dick-move,” Kane said. “I mean, you’re getting some guy fired because you need to exercise? That’s crazy weak, bro.”

When asked if he planned on going back to Chicago for training camp, Kane was hesitant to say yes.

“Look, you have to understand something,” Kane said. “It’s really goddamned cold in Chicago right now. It’s really warm here. All the chicks in Chicago are uptight and wearing parkas right now. And here, all the chicks are hot, horny, and half-naked. So you see the problem?”

And as the man who scored the Stanley Cup winning goal for the Blackhawks in 2010 gazed upon the thighs of a bikini-clad college co-ed, Kane sighed.

“Besides, I haven’t finished this beer yet,” he said.

“I’m weak!” Vince Pool said.

Vince Pool, a 33-year-old carpenter from Manchester Township, N.J., said he was so disgusted by the greed and selfishness demonstrated by the millionaire players and billionaire owners during the lockout, that he would never buy tickets to another game, has just bought season tickets for the shortened 2012-2013 season.

“Yeah, I know I said i would never buy another ticket, but I don’t know. I just like hockey,” Pool said.

Pool, who makes little over $25,000 a year, said he would rather lick a toilet bowl in a truck stop than allow a dime of his hard-earned money go into the pockets of greedy NHL team owners and whiny NHL players, who make more in a week than Pool does in a decade of backbreaking, thankless work.

“I said a lot of things, I know,’ Pool said.

Pool, who can’t afford health insurance, can’t afford to take a girl out on a date, and will probably develop heart disease by the time he is 40 because he lives off mainly high sodium ramen noodles, said he would rather place his testicles on a hot stove as children were forced to watch than see his hard-earned pennies go to the NHL, which enjoyed record profits in 2012 – the same year Pool had to move back into his parent’s basement because he could no longer afford his own place.

“Look, hockey is my only joy!” Pool said. “I’m sorry! I’m weak! My life sucks! I’m sorry!”

In order to pay for the season tickets, Pool sold his car and his dignity.